These are the fucked up days...

hey there everyone
it has been forever since Ive updated. So many things have changed and everything seems crazy now. I feel like I was finally at peace with my life but now everything is so rocky. As most of you know I have Cystic Fibrosis. Well on January 15 I found out I am pregnant. Since then I have been in the hospital 4 times with pneumonia and bronchitis. My health is just not as good and it's a little depressing. Also, Cary,my fiance, and I are fighting constantly. I don't know if we will even get married now. I don't think he is very happy about being a family, and I don't think he is happy with me anymore. Every chance he gets to go out he does, even if I'm in the hospital and depressed and really need him. I don't feel comfortable asking him for anything anymore. I hope this is just a phase and we get through it, now more than ever. Im now 7 months pregnant and I feel very alone. It is so hard not being a part of things and feeling alone. Im so tired it's hard for me to hang out with everyone like I use to. I know this is suppose to be a magical time and I should enjoy it but to be honest most of the time it's hard to enjoy this. I am so excited about being a mom and I can't wait to look into my daughters eyes, and I know I shouln't bitch, I only have 3 months left , and it will so be with it once I have her but until then I can't help but feel like I am completly alone. The thing with Cary doesn't help any. We use to never talk about not being together, but now everytime we fight it's the first thing that comes up, somebody leaving. If i had somewhere to go I would probaly leave for a few days to let things cool down, but then again I have. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and he went on with his life like nothing was going on. I don't think he understands how scared I was. I mean, what if something happened to my baby, I would not be able to deal with it. What am I going to do when I do need her. Cary mopes around here like his life is so hard that I shouldn't ask for anything and I should be happy with what I get. What is he going to do when the baby comes. Am I going to be like a single mom and if Im lucky Cary might help with his child? It is so scary not knowing and feeling alone with a child. Thank God I have good friends, expecialy our roommate, Rob. He helps me see both sides of an arguement but also gives me the support I need. I love Cary so much and I want to be a mother and wife he is proud of and can't wait to get home at the end of the day to see, but how do I get that when I feel like I'm all alone and the only thing he wants is to get away from me? PLEASE SEND ADVISE!!!!

Current Mood: stressed

Well if u haven't heard by now Cary and I will being getting married on August6 2005. I am so excited. We have reserved the church and we are working on the reception hall. Tomorrow, I have an appointment to try on my wedding dress again. I love it, it is strappless, it has a split at the top right in the middle, and it has a chapel length. It's beautiful. Anyways, there is so much to do, but it is so fun. Sorry we haven't been hanging out much, we have been trying to stay "pure of body" hahaha lol. Anywho, I miss all you sexy people.Cya soon.

Current Mood: chipper

Why do i feel like the whole world is moving around me, everyone has kids, married, and i'm doing what?i don't know. I miss school life, but i can't go back till Jan. that blows. I want to start getting ready for the wedding but it's like 11 months away. plus we are fucking broke. we are always broke. i am so sick of it. anyways...i think i might go get a part time job...i wish i could get paid to lick something all day. lol. well anyways. enough bitching, i love you all !!!lets chat.
peace out homies...haha

Current Mood: blah

who knows? If we knew that what would be the fun of figuring it out? the fun things in life are finding out who and what you are. but once you feel you have found that out, can it change, can you change who you are or should we not put a label on that and let everyone be (name)If we feel content with who we are do we have to stay that way 4ever? what if we are happy, then the rug gets pulled out from underneath us and then we start questioning who we are again, is this the cycle of life, or are we ever really suppose to know what we are at all????
Any advise???

hey u all freakiest of freaks and sex goddest of the all mighty love wand:
I know you all have been wodering where my fine ass has been, well i have become a slave the all hardening love wand. It wakes me up and puts me to sleep. there has been no end to this job, career choice, i have chosen. caryism101 is wearing me down, i can't take the pressure, the deep breathing, sufficating, sweaty job of pleasure has taken my last inch of hope that I will ever see daylight again. So if you do not hear from me soon after this, i've just givin up, it's too much for one sex goddest to take, i now pass the torch to you, wikidangle, may you shine in your glory and do as you wish, good luck my well breasted friend, may u enjoy as i have but please return to sender when finshed!!!

Sorry we haven't been haging out. money is really tight and our roommate moved so that's a bit stressful. Why people insist on keeping drama going in there lives I will never know. Life gives us enough on a day to day bases, why add more. But i really miss you all. I'm also trying to stay clean, so it's hard for me to be around stuff. Which I know you guys are my friends no matter how fucked-up I am or how sobber, and I love you all for that. I've also been having trouble with my friends. Last night April and Tasha all hung out with Tara and from what I hear it was fun. I guess I'm just sensitive about my friends. I feel like if someone is mean or disrespectful to my friends, until my friend has made it right I can't be friends with them. I feel I can have a lot of friends and just because I new ones, I'm not mean to any other ones.Does that make sence or am I just rambling on?..... Listen to all my friends...I love you and miss you all , let's make plans.OK!!!! I'm serious...I will jump through this computer and makke you all hang out with me..lol. love yall c-u-soon.

i have been so busy, i haven't talked to anyone lately. we just moved yet again to a 3 bedroom townhome. it is really nicr and we are really enjoying it. our roommate is a total bum. i had to get her a job through friends, now we have to drive her back and forth to work everyday. this shit sucks. i'm normally a very nice and happy person, but this roommate shit is really depressing me. she plays victim to everyone i know and trys to make me out to be the bad person. as u know my little sister died 6 months ago, so her pictures around the house are really im[ortant to me, i cam e home the other day and she moved them all around, i was pissed. she has no respect for me or my family/friends. she's gotten additudes with my company before and that really shows she has no respect, she cares about your fat ass and that is all. well on brighter news. the wedding plans are really starting to move forward, i'm so excited to be marring my best friend and soulmate, how lucky am I!!!
wb
jess

There are thing about orselves that we wished we could change. They could be the smallest thing but they could change our whole life.DNA, you can't see it, but I sure as hell feel it everyday. I was born with a genetic disease, Cystic Fibrosis. Every 2-3 months, I have to go to the hospital for about week and get medicine, and rest. If it wasn't for my good friends I think I would have lost my fucking mind by now. You know ecery once in a while you have one of those nights that you laugh so hard you pull a muscle or you wake up(if you went to sleep) and feel like your face is stuck in a smile. Those are the night s that pull me through everything. To a lot of people there just Saturday nights, but for me. When I'm getting really frustrated that I'm sitting in the damn hospital again, I have to remember that most people don't even have those painfully, silly nights to hold on to, they don't enjoy everything around them to the extent that they could. So, somebody ride that fucking roller coaster fro me tonight,ok?!!!!SORRY HAD TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM!!!

i have a friend that i''m worried about. this friend is really sad and they talk about hurting themselves alot. not just the pleasurable type of pain but actually ending things for good. i really care and love this person but they feel like they are nothiong, should i say something or just let it go and hope they pull themselves out of it? I'm scared if something happens because a lot of peoples hearts would be broken, one person in particular has had his heart broken from death before, only a few months ago and don't think he could take it. so if your listening, just let me know if it's just you blowing steam or if i need to worry.
love ya lots
!^*#*&$

i'm so pissed and confused. a few months ago my little sister died. it just doesn;t make since. i feel like i'm wondering around in a desert and nobody can get me. she was my best friend, we did everything together. all of our first were together. she was the only constant in my life. my mom couldn't handle us for along time so we moved around with family alot. now i'm just alone, how the fuck am i suppose to get over that?
jess

This has been such a interesting weekend. My boyfriend and I spent the weekend with our good friends Rob and Liz, and Rob's 2 kids Savahanna and RC. The kids are here for part of the summmer, they live in upper NC. Anyhow, we put the kids to bed early last night and ventured on a roller coaster of bliss. So here we are at Sunday morning @4am and we are still up and about. I have found a really good friend in Liz. She's very excepting of who I really am, and I am completly comfortable being me w/her. In women that is a rarety. Well the story of how I met her is very interesting, but that is for a time where my future hubbie is not lying in bed offering a back massage. So outtie.
jess

Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: dance pop